512+ Legendary Sayings From Evan Esar | Free Hd Wallpaper Pictures Download
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1. “A beautiful blonde is chemically three-fourths water, but what lovely surface tension!”
2. “A bureaucrat is an official who is clothed with power and whom it doesn’t fit.”
3. “A careful driver is probably the one who is still unfamiliar with the gadgets on his new car.”
4. “A check for liquor is not a check for liquor.”
5. “A chrysanthemum by any other name would be easier to spell.”
6. “A clever girl always seem to know less than the man she happens to be talking to.”
7. “A clever girl flatters a man by asking the kind of questions he is able to answer.”
8. “A clever liar gives details, but the cleverest one doesn’t.”
9. “A clock is a modest piece of furniture that covers its face with its hands, and runs down its own works.”
10. “A commercial gives you a headache while trying to sell you a remedy for it.”
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11. “A contract is an agreement where the size of the print tends to contract the more you read.”
12. “A corn on the ear is worth two on the foot.”
13. “A critic seldom realizes how good the book is until after he sees the movie.”
14. “A cynic sees little to admire in the world, while the world sees even less to admire in him.”
15. “A diplomat is a man who uses his head without anyone suspecting it.”
16. “A diplomat is one who can put his foot down without stepping on someone else’s toes.”
17. “A fault-finder is a person with a bad memory who never remembers the good, or with a good memory who always remembers the bad.”
18. “A flirt may not always be equal to the occasion, but she is always equal to the occasional.”
19. “A flirt spends her time making temporary male friends, but permanent female enemies.”
20. “A gentleman farmer never dirties himself with the soil or soils himself with the dirt.”
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21. “A girl doesn’t have to watch the speedometer to know what her boyfriend is driving at.”
22. “A girl uses soft soap to get a ring off her finger, and also to get one on.”
23. “A glamorous creature has the kind of figure that men give the once-over twice.”
24. “A glamour girl is a thing of beauty and an expense forever.”
25. “A glamour girl is one who looks good enough to eat and dresses with taste.”
26. “A go-getter never has time to attend to other people’s business because he always has more business than he can attend to.”
27. “A golden wedding anniversary is lots of fun and laughter, created in part by the original wedding pictures.”
28. “A good diplomat is one who can always make himself misunderstood.”
29. “A good way to cure a bad memory is by lending small sums to your fiends.”
30. “A great evil is the number of people who are trying to get something for nothing, and a greater evil is the number of people who succeed.”
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31. “A laugh a day keeps the psychiatrist away.”
32. “A lazy schoolboy lets his father do his homework, but a bright one helps his father with it.”
33. “A legal action that results in no damages is an example of a cause without an effect.”
34. “A liar’s worst misfortune is not that no one believes him, but that he can’t believe anyone else.”
35. “A liquor store is where they collect taxes for the government and also sell liquor”
36. “A little liquor makes you lose your inhibitions, a lot makes you give inhibitions.”
37. “A lot of people get credit for being well-behaved simply because they haven’t the money to be otherwise.”
38. “A man buys shoes to fit his feet; a woman, to fit the occasion.”
39. “A man is no greater than his wife’s opinion.”
40. “A man’s intelligence is seldom questioned as long as he can keep his tongue from trying to prove it.”
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41. “A man’s prejudice is mental, a woman’s temperamental.”
42. “A married couple may reach their golden wedding anniversary without ever having thought of divorce, but not without ever having thought of murder.”
43. “A memory expert remembers everything, including many things he ought to forget.”
44. “A misanthrope believes that there are only two kinds of good people: the dead and the unborn.”
45. “A movie star doesn’t care to live in the institution of marriage, but prefers to make frequent visits.”
46. “A necessary evil is never necessary but always evil.”
47. “A pathological liar can always be expected to tell you where the truth lies.”
48. “A penny saved is a girlfriend lost.”
49. “A person is hard up indeed who cannot get credit even for good intentions.”
50. “A poker face enables a card player to conceal the kind of hand he has by the kind of face he hasn’t.”
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51. “A ring on the finger is worth two on the phone.”
52. “A shotgun wedding is one in which the bride’s father says, He does .”
53. “A shower isn’t the only place where if you make one wrong turn you find yourself in hot water .”
54. “A signature always reveals a man’s character, and sometimes even his name.”
55. “A silver wedding is the day on which a married man celebrates twenty-five years of work under the same boss.”
56. “A small town is a place where the news circulates before the newspaper does.”
57. “A special skill, like speaking several languages, or keeping your mouth shut in one.”
58. “A successful politician is one who knows how to get into the public eye without irritating it.”
59. “A tomboy is a girl who misbehaves like a boy.”
60. “A true friend remains a friend even when you don’t deserve to have one.”
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61. “A vacation is like love: anticipated with pleasure, experienced with discomfort, and remembered with nostalgia.”
62. “A vacation sometimes begins with your needing a rest, but more often ends that way.”
63. “A wedding is a ceremony at which a woman acquires another mind of her own.”
64. “A wedding is the ceremony that alters a man’s life, liberty and pursuit of happiness.”
65. “A wedding is the formality a man has to go through before going to work for a new boss.”
66. “A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it stops the wearer’s circulation.”
67. “A wedding takes only a few hours, but the arguments go on forever.”
68. “A well-adjusted person is one who can play golf and bridge as if they were games.”
69. “A wife is a great consolation, especially when a man comes home after his girl friend has run out on him.”
70. “A woman has passed the dangerous age as soon as she starts trying on a pair of shoes for comfort.”
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71. “A woman is likely to keep trying on shoes till the salesman has a fit.”
72. “A woman’s face is her fortune, -or misfortune.”
73. “A woman’s intuition may not be scientific but it’s the best of all lie detectors.”
74. “A women’s little feet usually run up a big shoe bill.”
75. “About the time we learn how to make the most of life, most of it is gone.”
76. “Absence makes the hear grow fonder, but presents brings better results.”
77. “Actions lie louder than words.”
78. “Adam and Eve were the first of all unions to defy management.”
79. “After paying for the wedding, about the only thing a father has left to give away is the bride.”
80. “After the Christmas holidays most of us are way behind on our bills, but way ahead on our calories.”
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81. “Age brings wisdom to some men, and to others chess.”
82. “Alcohol is a good preservative for almost everything but secrets.”
83. “Alcohol is like success; both are all right until they go to your head.”
84. “All dictators are alike: they have control of everything, except their feelings.”
85. “All men are liars, but some are not found out until after they are married.”
86. “All misanthropes are alike in their dislike of people.”
87. “All things come to him who goes after them.”
88. “All things come to him who waits that’s why the smart man hustles.”
89. “An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.”
90. “An alarm clock is built with a mechanism to scare the daylights into you.”
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91. “An alcoholic is constantly irritating his family because he is constantly irritating himself.”
92. “An anniversary is the day on which a husband behaves as he always should.”
93. “An apology sometimes consists of words of regret that you really feel. but more often words of regret.”
94. “An argument always leaves each party convinced that the other has a closed mind.”
95. “An argument is an angry dispute in which two persons keep talking without throwing anything.”
96. “An astronaut is a man chosen to travel in outer space because he can be trusted to keep his feet on the ground.”
97. “An engagement ring is a piece of jewelry that usually turns a right-handed girl into a left handed one.”
98. “An obsession is an idea which you must get out of your mind if you are not to go out of your mind.”
99. “An office clock is rarely stolen, probably because everyone watches it.”
100. “An open mind helps a man understand a woman, an open wallet helps a woman understand a man.”
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101. “An ounce of intuition is worth a pound of tuition.”
102. “Another man who doesn’t bear a grudge is the husband who forgets his wedding anniversary.”
103. “Another thing about women is that they can be persuaded to do anything with their hair, except leave it alone.”
104. “Another thing that’s wrong with television is that it goes in for movies that are not worth going out to see.”
105. “Another way to find out where the shoe pinches is to foot your wife’s shoe bills.”
106. “Anxiety is like sand in an oyster: a little produces a pearl, too much kills the creature.”
107. “Anxiety isn’t all bad: at least it gives you something to think about while watching television.”
108. “Appointment are a waste of time because being early wastes yours and being late wastes the other person’s.”
109. “April showers bring may flowers. Also headaches to mother from kids indoors for hours.”
110. “Argumentative people have one thing in common: they are always ready to dispute an indisputable fact.”
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111. “As long as there are final exams, there will always be prayers in our schools.”
112. “As ye sew, so shall ye rip.”
113. “At a wedding the bride is usually well groomed and the groom well bridled.”
114. “At a wedding, a father gives his daughter up with the reluctance, and a mother gives her up with relief.”
115. “Before marriage, she tells him where to take her; after marriage, she tells him where to go.”
116. “Before the wedding, you expect too much of marriage; after the wedding, you get too much of it.”
117. “Being a bachelor has its disadvantages: for one thing, he has to get up very early to make the money to stay up very late.”
118. “Brains are not a handicap to a girl because a smart girl knows enough to hide them behind a low neckline.”
119. “By the time the person is old enough to know better, he thinks he’s clever enough to get away with it.”
120. “By the time you learn that you should always read the fine print, your eyes can no longer see it.”
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121. “Calling anything foolproof seems to take a lot for granted.”
122. “Canada’s climate is nine months winter and three months late in the fall.”
123. “Cause and effect can be puzzling: for example, cold feet are often the result of burnt fingers.”
124. “Charm is to a woman what perfume is to a flower.”
125. “Cheat me once, you ought to be ashamed; cheer me twice, I ought to be ashamed.”
126. “Children learn to lie from parents who teach them to say they don’t want a second portion of ice cream.”
127. “Children prefer snow, but adults prefer rain because it is self shoveling.”
128. “Cold cash has a way of making the approach a little warmer.”
129. “Communism is a form of government under which every citizen at election time enjoys the privilege of voting yes.”
130. “Communism is a form of society where the less people have to eat, the more they have to swallow.”
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131. “Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in this world that just don’t add up.”
132. “Conscience is the playback of the still, small voice that warned you not to do it in the first place.”
133. “Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.”
134. “Consistency is a jewel, but too much jewelry is vulgar.”
135. “Corn is estimated out West by the foot, down South by the gallon, and on television by the hour.”
136. “Corn is something discovered by Indians, distributed by farmers, distilled by moonshiners, and dispensed by comedians.”
137. “Credit buying has divided America into two classes; those who have all the latest appliances, and those who pay cash.”
138. “Crime doesn’t pay, but only if you get caught.”
139. “Crimes will continue to be committed as long as those who do them aren’t.”
140. “Definition of Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures.”
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141. “Democracy is a form of government where you can always say what you like, and do what you’re told.”
142. “Democracy is a form of government whose citizens have complete freedom to choose which candidate they prefer to mess things up for them.”
143. “Democracy is a ship of state whose officers try to steer a straight course in all directions.”
144. “Diplomacy is the art of diving into trouble without making a splash.”
145. “Diplomacy is the art of handling a porcupine without disturbing the quills.”
146. “Divorce is the key that opens the strongbox where the bonds of matrimony are kept under wedlock.”
147. “Divorce is the price people play for playing with matches.”
148. “Don’t be conceited; even postage stamps become useless when they get stuck on themselves.”
149. “Don’t believe a liar even if you know he’s telling the truth.”
150. “Drink should be given to stream the man who is given to drink.”
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151. “During adolescence the music you enjoy is good music no matter how bad it is.”
152. “During courtship a girl is unpredictable until she gets an engagement ring, then she shows her hand.”
153. “Easter is the only time when it’s perfectly safe to put all your eggs in one basket.”
154. “Economics makes no sense; no matter how much or how little hair you have, the price of a haircut is the same.”
155. “Enterprise may not be enough to get you to the top, but it will get you off the bottom.”
156. “Enterprise means taking advantage not of things that happen but of things that do not happen.”
157. “Equity follows the law, but seldom overtakes it.”
158. “Even when a girl is as pretty as a picture, a man still likes to look at the frame.”
159. “Every executive wishes he were as clever as he thinks his secretary thinks he is.”
160. “Every man is a little boy at heart, and every girl is a woman.”
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161. “Family: a social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with the closet space.”
162. “Feminine intuition operates more on the instant than on the instinct.”
163. “Flirtation originated with a young woman who was too impatient to wait for an introduction.”
164. “Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.”
165. “For every man who is always telling you what he thinks, there is another who is always telling you what others think.”
166. “For many people, life begins almost the same way it ends; creation and cremation.”
167. “Get the best of liquor, but don’t let liquor get the best of you.”
168. “Giving and take give we hear a great deal about the Lord loving cheerful givers.”
169. “Glamour is something that evaporates when the sweater is a little too large.”
170. “Good intentions usually last as long as the remorse which gives them birth.”
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171. “Good intentions, like good eggs, soon spoil unless they are hatched.”
172. “Good musicians execute their music but bad ones murder it.”
173. “Government of the people and for the people never seems to get along with the people.”
174. “Habits are hard to change; many a man whose wife is away hates to go home just the same.”
175. “Half of the world doesn’t see how the other half can see anything funny in what it laughs at.”
176. “Half the parents who do their children’s homework for them shouldn’t; the other half can’t.”
177. “Half the trouble in the world is cause by loose thinkers, and the other half by tight drivers.”
178. “Half the world doesn’t know how much the other half lies about it.”
179. “Happiness consists of not longing for the things that make us happy.”
180. “Happiness is the ability to avoid letting your troubles bother you any more than they bother your friends.”
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181. “Health is something that makes you feel it’s a fine day when it isn’t.”
182. “Heaven lies about us in our infancy, and everybody else when we grow up.”
183. “Hindsight is good, foresight is better; but second sight is best of all.”
184. “History doesn’t repeat itself as often as gossip does.”
185. “Homes are built to provide a little security for a family, and a lot of security for the bank that holds the mortgage.”
186. “Homework sometimes shows how much children don’t know, but more often how much their parents don’t know.”
187. “Hope is tomorrow’s veneer over today’s disappointment.”
188. “Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn’t done it.”
189. “How wonderful holidays would be if there wasn’t the day after.”
190. “If a false friend is one who stabs you in the back, is a true friend one who stabs you in front?”
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191. “If a fee were charged to see the sun rise, almost everybody would be up to watch it.”
192. “If at first you’re not believed, lie, lie again.”
193. “If it weren’t for his delusions, many a man would go out of his mind.”
194. “If it weren’t for our troubles we’d never appreciate happiness.”
195. “If music is the language of the soul, jazz must be the curse words.”
196. “If silence is golden, a lot of people are off the gold standard.”
197. “If the high cost of living goes any higher, we’ll be buying our shoes one at a time instead of a pair.”
198. “If there were no listeners, there would be no liars.”
199. “If you can’t find the right button, sew up the buttonhole.”
200. “If you can’t win, make the fellow ahead of you break the record.”
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201. “If you don’t get the better of yourself, someone else will.”
202. “If you think both sides in a dispute cannot win, just interview management and labor after a strike is settled.”
203. “If you want to get fat, don’t eat fast; if you want to get thin. don’t eat fast.”
204. “If you watch a game, it’s fun; if you play it, it’s recreation; if you work at it, it’s golf.”
205. “If you’ve given up trying to pry something open, tell a youngster not to touch it.”
206. “In Kentucky the com is full of kernels, and the colonels are full of corn.”
207. “In a democracy, you believe it or not; in a dictatorship, you believe it or else.”
208. “In all affairs it’s a healthy thing not and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted.”
209. “In all this foolish world no creature is so perfect a fool as a woman, excepting always a man.”
210. “In elections, the undecided vote is usually the deciding factor.”
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211. “In every organization, factions speak louder than words.”
212. “In every person’s conscience there is a policeman who is usually off duty.”
213. “In fishing for a man, a flirt seldom know where to draw the line.”
214. “In his steadfast pursuit of world peace, man has always stuck to his guns.”
215. “In some homes the clock, like father, is always wrong.”
216. “In some women, intuition is like a sixth sense; in other, a sick sense.”
217. “Intuition is what enables a wife who knows less than her husband, to understand more.”
218. “It is good to have an open mind, but be sure it is not open at both ends.”
219. “It is not unusual for a son to fill his father’s shoes also his socks and shirts.”
220. “It is surprising how many friends a man has until he needs one.”
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221. “It is the day after the holiday when a holiday is most needed.”
222. “It isn’t the farmer that lives on the fat of the land; it’s the fat of the land that lives on the farmer.”
223. “It requires a great deal of inexperience to be beyond the reach of anxiety.”
224. “It takes a clever girl to keep a man at arm’s length without losing her grip on him.”
225. “It takes all kinds of people to make a world, and it’s about time they got started.”
226. “It takes two to make a criminal: one individual and one society.”
227. “It’s not easy for a beautiful girl to believe that love is blind.”
228. “It’s not how much you gain between Christmas and New Year’s that counts, it’s how much you gain between New Year’s and Christmas.”
229. “It’s strange how many animals are killed to dress the girl that’s dressed to kill.”
230. “It’s the nature of women not to love when we love them, and to love when we love them not.”
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231. “It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.”
232. “Keep an open mind, but don’t keep it too open or people will throw a lot of rubbish into it.”
233. “Knowledge is what you get from reading the small print in a contract. Experience is what you get from not reading it.”
234. “Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry, and the world laughs harder.”
235. “Liar is the one who pretends to be very good or the one who pretends to be very bad.”
236. “Life always gives you plenty to think about, but seldom enough to think with.”
237. “Life is a course that finally leaves you breathless from running around in circles trying to make ends meet.”
238. “Life is an endless series of bounces, some as predictable as the rebound of a basketball, others as unpredictable as the rebound of a football.”
239. “Life is generally made up of three things: pretense, suspense. and expense.”
240. “Life is no laughing matter, except to the man who can laugh at his troubles.”
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241. “Life starts with a bottle and ends with a bier.”
242. “Liquor doesn’t deteriorate with age, but the man who drinks too much of it does.”
243. “Liquor is an insiduos habit; you start out by drinking now and then, and very soon you are drinking more now than you did then.”
244. “Liquor should not be given to the man who is given to liquor.”
245. “Liquor works two ways; it will either put you on top of the world, or under the table.”
246. “Love of money is the root of half the evil in the world, and lack of money is the root of the other half.”
247. “Love should be behind every wedding, but not too far behind.”
248. “Love spells romance, marriage dispels it.”
249. “Man has been exhorted to love his enemies, but so far alcohol is the only enemy he has learned to love.”
250. “Man is a conceited creature: when we’re right we credit our judgement; when we’re wrong we curse our luck.”
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251. “Man is the control experiment of heredity and environment; and since his heredity controls him, he tries to control his environment.”
252. “Man is the only machine that needs to be lubricated with alcohol.”
253. “Many a man makes the mistake of developing his opinions in the dark room of prejudice.”
254. “Many a man who goes to Las Vegas to get away from it all soon finds that Las Vegas gets it all away from him.”
255. “Many a man who is drunk prefers to drive because he feels he is in no condition to walk.”
256. “Many a man who thinks he is thinking, is merely digesting yesterday’s newspaper.”
257. “Many a man whose wife deserts him, throws himself on the mercy of a quart.”
258. “Many men owe their success to their wives; others owe their wives to their success.”
259. “Many woman has the kind of face that grows on a man instead of the kind that should grow on a woman.”
260. “Many woman is so clever that she manages to let no one suspect her of being half as foolish as she really is.”
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261. “Marriage brings music into a man’s life. He learns to play second fiddle at home.”
262. “Marriage makes a difference: the man about town sometimes becomes the mouse around the house.”
263. “Maybe the Lord lets people get into trouble because that’s the only time they think of Him.”
264. “Memorial Day is a day set aside to decorate old graves of soldiers and to dig new ones for reckless drivers.”
265. “Minds are like parachutes they function only when open.”
266. “Money may be a curse, but you can always find someone to take the curse off you.”
267. “More and more married women are working nowadays, some of them even at home.”
268. “More people would listen to their conscience if they could tell it what to say.”
269. “Most of those who are driven to drink, make the trip in the driver’s seat.”
270. “Most of us are either too thin to enjoy eating. or too fat to enjoy walking.”
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271. “Most people are anxious to do a favor for those who don’t need it.”
272. “Nature is perverse: when we need heat most, she gives us winter; and when we need cold most, she gives us summer.”
273. “Next time a man tells you talk is cheap, ask him if he knows how much a session of Congress costs.”
274. “No man has ever been able to explain why a woman feels more comfortable in uncomfortable shoes than she does in comfortable ones.”
275. “No man is half as intelligent as he wants some woman to think he is.”
276. “No matter how fast a clock may run, it always winds up at the same place.”
277. “No one gets a hangover from other people’s drinking.”
278. “No one is perfect. except the man who makes a perfect fool of himself.”
279. “No wonder a father has mixed feelings when his son goes off to college; while he loses a son, he gains a car.”
280. “Nowadays the quality of mercy is not only strained, but also tenderized, sterilized, and homogenized.”
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281. “Nowadays when a woman furnishes her home in Early American Style, it probably means she has paid for in cash.”
282. “Of all daylight-saving plans, the best by far is an alarm clock.”
283. “Of all the clever wives, the cleverest is the one who never lets her husband suspect how clever she is.”
284. “Of all the opinions which people entertain, the best one is that which they have of themselves.”
285. “One man’s sunset is another man’s sunrise”
286. “One of the things a boy learns with a chemistry set is that he’ll never get another.”
287. “Only one man has the right to boast, and that’s the man who never does.”
288. “Opportunity knocks for every man, but a woman gets a ring.”
289. “Pay as you go, unless you are going for good.”
290. “People who insist on drinking before driving are putting the quart before the hearse.”
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291. “Perfection is a mixed blessing: an imperfect friend is preferable to a perfect stranger.”
292. “Poker was played in Biblical times: Noah had a full house and Solomon held at least four queens.”
293. “Positive anything is better than negative nothing.”
294. “Pray as though no work could help, and work as though no prayer could help.”
295. “Prejudice is merely a lazy man’s substitute for thinking.”
296. “Public opinion is the God of democracy and the journalist is his prophet.”
297. “Public opinion is what people think other people think.”
298. “Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.”
299. “Rainy days come to those who save up for them.”
300. “Reading is like permitting a man who sits in a train facing back to talk a long time.”
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301. “Remember, in every lease the big print giveth and the small print taketh away.”
302. “Repeating a mistake is sometimes excusable, but repeating the repetition never is.”
303. “Self, evidence: evident to one’s he has inside information, self and nobody else.”
304. “Self-esteem is the confidence which a person has in himself even though there’s no one be has fooled more often.”
305. “Sex appeal is a matter of chemistry, but you don’t have to be a chemist to find the formula.”
306. “She is so sure of getting her own way, she could even write her diary in advance.”
307. “Silence may not be golden, but it is always worth its weight in gold.”
308. “Some friends are habit. Others a luxury.”
309. “Some girls are music lovers, while others can love without it.”
310. “Some girls get rings with large diamonds, others get rings that look as if they were all paid for.”
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311. “Some impressive looking books are not as thick as their authors. Writers are often paid by the word, never by the thought.”
312. “Some men flee from temptation, but others just crawl away from it hope it will overtake them.”
313. “Some men have alarm clocks; others have their wives elbows.”
314. “Some men, in telling a fish story, will go to any length.”
315. “Some movies are so bad that they have to be seen to be depreciated.”
316. “Some movies are so bad, it is hard to believe they were ever released; they probably escaped.”
317. “Some of the hardest words in English are spelled with e’s.”
318. “Some of today’s films are so long that it takes less time to read the book.”
319. “Some people always finish a sentence before starting the thought.”
320. “Some people are good at spelling; others know how to spell the synonyms for the words they don’t know how to spell.”
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321. “Some people are greedy even when they pray: they expect a thousand-dollar answer to a one minute prayer.”
322. “Some people are impressed only when they are suppressed.”
323. “Some people are liars; others merely tell the truth in such a way that nobody recognizes it.”
324. “Some people are such liars, they cannot even tell the truth in a diary.”
325. “Some people can handle their liquor, while others go off the handle.”
326. “Some people have a habit of lying, while others do very well without the habit.”
327. “Some people have wonderful memories: they can’t remember what they worried about yesterday.”
328. “Some people spread happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
329. “Some people’s idea of a celebration is to enjoy a Christmas they’ll never forget and a New Year’s they can’t remember.”
330. “Some women are so clever that you can’t talk with them for ten minutes without beginning to realize how brilliant you are.”
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331. “Sometimes nothing is the cleverest thing you can say when you want to say something clever.”
332. “Sometimes when a man takes a day off to celebrate, he needs another day off to get over it.”
333. “Space is being conquered by man while man is being conquered by time.”
334. “Space travel is the only way now known to man of leaving this world without dying.”
335. “Speak when you’re angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.”
336. “Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration,and inspiration.”
337. “Summer is the time when it’s too hot to do the job that it was too cold to do last winter.”
338. “TV is an advertising medium, where the commercial urging you to save is followede by another urging you to borrow.”
339. “Tact is giving a person a pat on the back when you feel like giving him a kick in the pants.”
340. “Tact is the ability to shut your mouth before someone else does it for you.”
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341. “Take a lesson from the clock; it passes the time by keeping its hands busy.”
342. “Television is a daily menace to housework, and a nightly menace to homework.”
343. “The Lord loves a cheerful giver, and so does everyone else.”
344. “The army is another organization that gives commissions in addition to salaries.”
345. “The battle against crime should begin in the high chair so as not to end in the electric chair.”
346. “The best place to have a com is on the bottom of your foot: nobody can step on it but you.”
347. “The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.”
348. “The best way for a woman to preserve her wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day”
349. “The best way of getting ahead of most people is by getting along with some and getting around others.”
350. “The best way to keep healthy is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.”
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351. “The bright sparkle of a diamond ring often renders a woman stone-blind to the defects of the man who gives it.”
352. “The car was invented as a convenient place to sit out traffic jams.”
353. “The country that has only one man who can save it, is not worth saving.”
354. “The cure love is marriage, and the cure for marriage is love again.”
355. “The diamond is the hardest stone , to get.”
356. “The difference between a cow and a baby is that a cow drinks water to make milk while a baby drinks milk.”
357. “The difference between classical and popular music is the difference between antique and antic.”
358. “The difference between opportunity and importunity is that opportunity doesn’t repeat.”
359. “The difficulty in finding an ideal candidate is that no man can have prejudices enough to fit all sections.”
360. “The employee who is far behind in her work is probably far ahead on her coffee breaks.”
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361. “The evil that men do makes them eligible for nomination to office.”
362. “The evolution of a new diary: double entry, single entry, blank.”
363. “The face that over cocktails seemed so sweet, is less alluring over shredded wheat.”
364. “The fine print in a contract will give you a surprise if you read it, and an even greater surprise if you don’t.”
365. “The first thing a flirt notices about a man is if her husband is around.”
366. “The first thing a woman would do if she were in a man’s shoes is kicking them off.”
367. “The flirt who attracts a man before marriage usually distracts him afterwards.”
368. “The football season is the only time of the year when girls whistle at men in sweaters.”
369. “The good old days were an era when the day was done before the worker was.”
370. “The good old days were when football game was something that got people outdoors.”
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371. “The government is the only organization that operates on a deficit and still makes money.”
372. “The greatest miracle of love is the reformation of a flirt.”
373. “The happiest days in a movie star’s life are her wedding days.”
374. “The happiest man on earth is the one who never knows it.”
375. “The happy man counts his blessings; the unhappy one counts his cash.”
376. “The hardest task of a girl’s life is to prove to a man that his intentions are really serious.”
377. “The honeymoon is over when the bride who took her husband for better or for worse, starts taking him for granted.”
378. “The honeymoon is the only period when a woman isn’t trying to reform her husband.”
379. “The husband who expects his wife to perfect also expects her to understand why he isn’t.”
380. “The land of milk and honey has its drawbacks: you can get kicked another man who is always by a cow and stung by a bee forging his way ahead is the counterfeiter.”
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381. “The less a man says the more he doesn’t have to apologize.”
382. “The less intelligence you claim, the more intelligence people will give you credit for.”
383. “The less sound a man’s argument, the louder he talks.”
384. “The little boy who goes to the store and forgets what his mother sent him for, will probably grow up to be a congressman.”
385. “The longer a wedding ring is worn, the harder it is to remove.”
386. “The man who avoids debt doesn’t have to worry about avoiding his creditors.”
387. “The man who can laugh at himself never runs out of things he can laugh at.”
388. “The man who doctors himself with the aid of medical books, runs the risk of dying of a typographical error.”
389. “The man who does not think as we do is apt to be prejudiced.”
390. “The man who does not think as you do is apt to be stubborn.”
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391. “The man who doesn’t go to any church probably had a baptism that didn’t take.”
392. “The man who invented the alarm clock believed people slept too long or worked too little.”
393. “The man who invented the alarm clock probably did more than anyone else to arouse the working classes.”
394. “The man who is stuck on himself seldom has any cause of jealousy.”
395. “The man who is sure to make others boil is the one who is always letting off esteem.”
396. “The man who looks half dead should take a holiday, or has.”
397. “The man who never forgets his wedding anniversary is probably a bachelor.”
398. “The man who takes and never gives, may last for years but never lives.”
399. “The man who takes to drink when his wife leaves him should be careful not to overdo the celebration.”
400. “The more beautiful a girl’s face, the less a man can tell you what clothes she has on.”
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401. “The more we think of some people, the less we think of them.”
402. “The most common argument against marriage is the one between husband wife.”
403. “The most popular form of altruism is giving to others the advice you cannot use yourself.”
404. “The most positive way to progress to the top is to start at the bottom and never stop.”
405. “The most welcome surprise you can give to your wife on your anniversary is to remember it.”
406. “The one for the road may be two for the cemetery.”
407. “The only bright thing about some movies is the electric sign in front of the theater.”
408. “The only golden thing that some women dislike is silence.”
409. “The only medicine that needs no prescription, has no unpleasant taste, and costs no money is laughter.”
410. “The only perfect people are those we do not know.”
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411. “The only person to whom nothing is impossible is the pathological liar.”
412. “The only person who is unbiased is one who has the same bias we have.”
413. “The only place where you can find equality is in the cemetery.”
414. “The only thing worse than hearing the alarm clock is not hearing it.”
415. “The only time a lazy man ever succeeds is when he tries to do nothing.”
416. “The only way to cure an egotist from bragging is by surgery, amputation at the neck.”
417. “The only way to pass motorists at a safe distance is to travel by air.”
418. “The only wedding that is sure to go off without a hitch is where the groom doesn’t show up.”
419. “The path to success is not paved with good intentions, but with good intentions that are carried out.”
420. “The picture of health requires a happy frame of mind.”
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421. “The proof that many a man is a poor judge of human nature is the good opinion he holds of himself.”
422. “The punishment of the misanthrope is that he is forced to live in a world full of people.”
423. “The quizzical expression of the monkey at the zoo comes from his wondering whether he is his brother’s keeper, or his keeper’s brother.”
424. “The rains that nourish the optimist’s flowers make the pessimist’s weeds grow.”
425. “The rainy days for which a man saves usually arrive during his vacation.”
426. “The reason conscience has a small, still voice is that it’s often a small, still conscience.”
427. “The secret of getting ahead is getting started.”
428. “The surest sign of growing old is when you begin to regret the sins you did not commit.”
429. “The surest way to bring spring showers is to hose the lawn and sprinkle the flowers.”
430. “The three most important events of human life have nothing to do with intelligence; birth, marriage and death.”
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431. “The tongue is the only muscle in the human body that never gets tired.”
432. “The trouble with many people is that they take so long to start to begin to get ready to commence.”
433. “The trouble with the world is that laziness is seldom curable and never fatal.”
434. “The virtue of a free government is that the more freedom you have, the less government you need to have.”
435. “The way of the transgressor is hard-for the police to find out.”
436. “The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.”
437. “The wicked flee when no man pursueth, but they flee even faster when someone is after them.”
438. “The woman who is shopping for shoes has no sense for the fitness of things.”
439. “The worst thing about television are the sponsors who make the impossible programs possible.”
440. “There are a dozen taxpayers born every hour, and one government worker to live off them.”
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441. “There are always some churchgoers whom the preacher doesn’t remember from one Easter to the next.”
442. “There are some people who are always in the conversation when they are not there.”
443. “There are two kinds of fools; mindful and mindless.”
444. “There are two sides to every story until the gossips get hold of it.”
445. “There is always one person whom a misanthrope doesn’t hate.”
446. “There would be no population explosion if people who are trying to keep the wolf from the door wouldn’t let the stork fly in through the window.”
447. “There’s a substitute for everything, but no one yet figured out a substitute for hard work.”
448. “There’s nothing smaller than some women’s feet, except the shoes they’re in.”
449. “There’s nothing so rare as the ability to take good advice, except the wisdom to give it.”
450. “There’s one good thing about tight shoes: they make you forget your other troubles.”
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451. “There’s only one person who can lie more brazenly than a pathological liar, and that’s another pathological liar.”
452. “There’s only one thing worse than being driven to drink, and that’s driving yourself home from it.”
453. “There’s only one way to improve your memory, and that’s to lengthen it.”
454. “There’s plenty of room at the top, but not enough for the people who think they ought to be there.”
455. “There’s something glamorous about every women, especially when there are a few drinks in a man.”
456. “Things are good for gray hair, but the best one is a sensible head.”
457. “This may be the age of automation, but love is still being made by hand.”
458. “To a liar, truth is more a stranger than fiction.”
459. “To be a successful liar one must have either bad character or a good memory.”
460. “To be born healthy is an accident; to die healthy also takes an accident.”
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461. “To keep friends, treat them kindly; to kill friends, treat them often.”
462. “To please them, don’t tease them; first seize them, then squeeze them.”
463. “To some men the only symbol of hospitality is a corkscrew.”
464. “To some people freedom of religion merely means a choice of churches to stay away from.”
465. “To the bachelor, a wedding ring symbolizes a vicious cycle.”
466. “To the cynic, money isn’t the root of all evil-evil is the root of all money.”
467. “To the misanthrope all men are equal, equally bad.”
468. “Too many women think Easter Sunday is Decoration Day.”
469. “Two heads are better than one, unless you have a hangover.”
470. “Two liars are company, three are a crowd, and four or more a chamber of commerce.”
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471. “Under a dictatorship the people have to follow their leader when they should be chasing him instead.”
472. “Under dictatorship, the people in prison are always superior to the people who put them there.”
473. “Walking isn’t a lost art one must, by some means, get to the garage.”
474. “Wars take longer nowadays because generals spend most of their time keeping diaries for future books.”
475. “We do not stop laughing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop laughing.”
476. “What every drunk needs is to get more blood into his alcohol.”
477. “What some people enjoy most about table tennis is stepping on the ball.”
478. “What this country needs is a pair of shoes that will increase in size along with the growth of children’s feet.”
479. “What this country needs is an alarm clock that can be set on Saturday night to ring Monday morning.”
480. “What this country needs is an organization opposed to all organizations.”
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481. “When a flirt turns around to look at a man, it’s only to see if he has turned around to look at her.”
482. “When a man doesn’t go straight home, his wife’s remarks do.”
483. “When a man is lost in thought, it’s probably because he’s in unfamiliar territory.”
484. “When a person puts his best foot forward and gets it stepped on-that’s life.”
485. “When a schoolboy has original ideas, they are usually confined to spelling.”
486. “When a teenager is watching television, listening to her record player, and talking on the phone, she is probably doing her homework.”
487. “When a wife laughs at her husband’s jokes, it’s not because they are clever, but because she is.”
488. “When a woman complains that her photographs don’t do her justice, what she wants isn’t justice, but mercy.”
489. “When a young man gives his girl a ring, he gives it with all his heart and most of his savings.”
490. “When an alarm clock wakes a man up, it makes him feel not like the early bird, but like the worm.”
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491. “When an alcoholic wants to celebrate an occasion, does he go out and get sober.”
492. “When an arbitrator fails to settle a dispute, both sides regard him as more traitor than arbitrator.”
493. “When it comes to giving charity, some people stop at nothing.”
494. “When it comes to homework, most schoolchildren like to do nothing better.”
495. “When some people lose face, they feel worse but look better.”
496. “When you finally visit your boy hood town, you find it wasn’t the old home you longed for, but your boyhood.”
497. “When you flee temptation be sure you don’t leave a forwarding address.”
498. “When you hire people who are smarter than you are, you prove you are smarter than they are.”
499. “When you win an argument with your wife, the argument is not over.”
500. “Why pay to go see a bad movie when you can watch television and see a bad one for nothing?”
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501. “Winter is the season of the year when you always decide that you like summer best.”
502. “Winter is when you turn up the furnace to keep the house as hot as it was last summer when you turned on the air conditioner.”
503. “With a braggart, it’s no sooner done than said.”
504. “With man, every effect has its causes; with woman, its because.”
505. “With modern jets you can have breakfast in Los Angeles, lunch in New York, dinner in London, and baggage in Rome.”
506. “Women are more irritable than men, probably because men are more irritating.”
507. “You can always make a loan at a bank if you can show sufficient evidence that you don’t need it.”
508. “You can always tell an eight-year-old, but you have to tell him twice.”
509. “You can always tell when a pathological liar is telling the truth, his lips are not moving.”
510. “You can’t judge the ability of a doctor by the amount of praise the undertakers give him.”
511. “Your health depends more on the number of years that have passed over your head than on the number of colds that have passed through it.”
512. “Youth thinks nothing of health, and age thinks of nothing but.”
513. “Zoo: An excellent lace to study the habits of human beings.”
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About Author
Shuvo
Hi there! I Am Shuvo Saha. I am a Musician. I play Bass. Besides that, I love to explore. As in, surf the web, gather knowledge, and share them. Recently, I have discovered that Blogging can be quite a useful way, to share. Being a thoughtful person, and a social being, I find it very amusing to explore people's thoughts, observations, and experiences. Regardless of time, place, situation, event, or occasion, it is in our human nature, to learn and express. Many of these expressions of life, result in taking the form of wishes, quotes, greetings, messages, and captions. I, with my lovely Wishian team, gather the expressions, sort them out, organize them with suitable background images, and serve them to you. So that you can share them back, with the whole world.
